Mindfully Listen: Three Powerful Ways to Connect and Influence
One of the biggest concerns of couples and families that I see in therapy is not being listened to. My personal experience is that I feel frustrated when my loved ones don’t get what I want. Not feeling heard can feel like being invisible. You most likely know what I mean.
Sincere truth be told, I have been there too. Sometimes I find myself not paying attention to my spouse, friends, family, or, even worse, my clients. This is what I find most common when I am not happy in my marriage, feel exhausted, overwhelmed by emotions, reactions, and/or my to-do lists.
This has allowed me to notice when my attention wanders, just as I did in my mindfulness practices. Then I can pivot back towards listening, which I consider the most important interpersonal skill.
Your ability to listen effectively to others is a key component of the quality and quality of your relationships. Listening means actively listening to the message of others, not you.
It is easier to let go of the need to explain, to relax into listening, to focus all my energy on trying understand. To be able to listen and understand, I must let go of my agenda. This builds strong relationships and makes difficult and deep conversations more likely.
My motto is “connection before correction”. This applies most to parent-child relationships, but it also applies to everyone. If children aren’t heard, understood, gotten, felt and valued by their parents, they have very little power over them. Parents who are good at listening to their children and addressing their concerns can help them to make the corrections stick. Most corrections by force only generate fear, and rarely touch a child’s heart. It is no wonder that recidivism rates in correctional prisons are so high. But I digress.)
It may seem simple to connect and become a better listener, but it is not. It requires continuous practice. We must train our minds with mindfulness to recognize when we are operating from our habits. For example, when you are prepping for your rebuttal instead of listening. This bad behavior is all too common in this politically divided country. It is important to approach difficult conversations with presence and care, especially if they are challenging.
These are three simple, yet powerful tips that I have learned over 12 years of mindfulness training and as a doctor in relational therapy.
1. Keep curious.
Curiosity is a way to be curious and allow others to influence you. Learning takes humility. We must not be afraid to learn. To understand anything, one must let go of our preconceived notions and open to new ways to see. To be curious, you need patience.
Try to find the genuine intention to understand your partner. This will help you get past any anger or misunderstandings. They will be more able to see you as a person if they are able to appreciate your efforts. What is the most important thing to them in sharing their thoughts? What is their deepest feeling? What are they looking for? You can do this: Keep asking questions until you feel you understand what they are saying.
You can also check in with yourself and your body as you do this work with people important to you. What does it feel like to be genuinely interested? What are you discovering that you didn’t know? You can feel that feeling.
Ironically, my father Daniel Linder, LMFT taught me that listening is the best way to connect with others.
2. Allowing others to influence you.
It is important to listen to each other the way you want to be heard. This means that you can let your words influence, change, or influence the other.
As we have said, it is important to allow ourselves to be affected cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally by the things we hear. It is important to show that we are open to hearing the feelings and humanity of others. It is important to demonstrate that we are open to listening to their needs and not just expressing our opinions or getting what we want.
3. Positive intention or “goodwill” is a positive thing. “
It can help to reflect on your values and set positive intentions before any difficult conversations begin. It can sabotage an interaction if the other senses, conscious or subconsciously, harbor any ill-will. You can use mindfulness to check if this is the case.
After a brief, pre-conversation meditation in which you connect to an attentional anchor such as the sound or breath for about 1-2 minutes, silently ask yourself “What’s going on here?” What is causing me so much trouble? How can I temporarily let go of my anger and allow the other person to speak? What can I do to relax and find balance?” Or “Regardless what the outcome is, how can I manage myself here if there are differences?” Ask each question one at a time and let the body respond. This simple intention will guide you in what you say and do next.
Unfortunately, the speaker’s intended message is often not translated to what the listener hears. Especially at the beginning, effort is more important than what you get. Your loved ones will appreciate your efforts and vice versa.
It opens up sacred doors to deeper understanding and connection when we approach difficult conversations with curiosity and openness.
Strong connections with others are the only way to ensure long-term safety in this chaotic and unpredictable world. These connections require consistent listening. Although it takes practice, it is one of the most important keys for unlocking deep, meaningful, long-term, satisfying, and meaningful relationships.
Is there anything more important? It would be a pleasure to hear your experiences.